Sky News apologises for telling the truth about Israel
Laura and Normal Island News | November 10, 2024
In a disgusting lack of dishonesty, Sky News has caused outrage by telling the truth about Israel. The broadcaster later corrected its reporting, editing out the truthful parts, but the Israeli lobby says this is “too little, too late”.
The controversy took place on the Sky News Twitter account where a video that had not been approved by Mossad was mistakenly shared. Thankfully, I’m told Sky’s social media guy was taken outside and beaten to within an inch of his life. It’s only what he deserved.
The punishment beating comes after Israeli hooligans, I mean innocent supporters attended a football match in Amsterdam. For some reason, Sky thought it was necessary to report that Maccabi Tel Aviv fans tore Palestinian flags from people’s homes and attacked the locals in front of a police car. It even mentioned that Israelis were singing “racist and anti-Arab songs” with charming lyrics such as “let the IDF win to fuck the Arabs”.
Sky even highlighted that Israeli fans disrupted the minute’s silence for Valencia flood victims with chants, whistles and fireworks. Thankfully, the reporter did not mention that Mossad agents had joined the Israeli fans in order to provoke a riot. This was purely for self-preservation because Mossad would probably have bombed her family home.
The idiots at Sky have totally undermined our narrative that the citizens of Amsterdam did a “pogrom” for no reason other than they’re evil anti-Semites, proving there is no safe place in Europe for Jews. The social media response was unanimous: “Clearly, Sky was attempting to justify violence towards Jews.”
Sky therefore panicked, deleted their video and posted a comment explaining they’d edited and reuploaded the video because the original didn’t meet their “standards for balance and impartiality.” They then deleted the explanation because it made them look like fucking idiots.
In case you’re unclear, “balance” is when you leave out important context that shows the truth, and “impartiality” is when you crumble to pressure from the people who are made to look bad by the truth.
Reassuringly, Sky News editor Sandy Rashty is so unbiased, she contributes to the Jewish Chronicle and retweets all the finest Zionist cranks. This explains why Sky bends over backwards for Israel, but only makes minimal effort for anyone who opposes genocide.
For example, Sky was previously forced to admit to “potentially misleading information” for smearing the Palestinian ambassador by claiming he said things he hadn’t said. Thankfully, Sky did not apologise because he is an Arab.
All that matters is that we provide cover for Israel so it can get away with doing whatever it wants to whoever it wants. Israel is meant to be able to launch incursions into any territory it likes, including the Netherlands, and thankfully, the Netherlands agrees.
Israel has therefore bombed three schools and seven hospitals in Amsterdam, following reports that Ajax fans had built tunnels beneath them. The Dutch government insisted there were definitely no tunnels but apologised for making Israel do this. Sky News would like to reiterate these bombings definitely counted as self-defence.
Israel secures victory over the biggest terrorists in Gaza: aid workers
Laura and Normal Island News | November 4, 2024
Israel has finally cancelled its agreement with the only organisation capable of getting significant quantities of food and medicine into northern Gaza: the United Nations Relief and Works Agency.
Israel has decided Unrwa is guilty of “terrorism” because it has been getting food and medicine to civilians designated for extermination, an accusation Unrwa does not deny. Thankfully, Israel put a stop to this terrorism at the start of October and now every civilian in northern Gaza is at imminent risk of death. As everyone knows, the only way to defeat terrorism is to kill enormous numbers of civilians (who have the wrong skin colour and/or religion).
Israel is rightly outraged that Unrwa employs terrorists because the only organisation allowed to send terrorists into Gaza is the IDF. Outrageously, I’m told Unrwa incinerated civilians from Apache helicopters on October 7th, a privilege reserved only for IDF pilots following the Hannibal Directive.
An investigation found no evidence of Israel’s central allegations against Unrwa, but Israel Katz crayoned a picture of an Unrwa worker holding a severed baby’s head. If you question Israel’s evidence, I honestly don’t know what to say to you.
After a year of starving Palestinians, Israel has assured us it will get the necessary aid into Gaza. This is the most sensible move since Dr Harold Shipman decided to administer medicine to his patients. The IDF says it will try to resist gunning civilians down as they queue for aid, but obviously it can’t make any promises. Antony Blinken said that if Israel does attack the aid queues, he expects the killers to investigate themselves. This is a privilege reserved for the only democracy in the Middle East.
Israel has been so angry with Unrwa workers who fed and treated Palestinians that it initially wanted to blow them all up. Thankfully, Israel has shown restraint and only blown up 102 of them. Israel was particularly angry with the people whose job it was to vet Unrwa workers, until it realised that was Israel’s job. This was a tiny bit embarrassing so never mention it again, okay?
While Israel is courageously tackling terrorism in Gaza, British police are doing everything they can to defeat terrorism back home, including beating the shit out of anyone who expresses solidarity with Unrwa. Well, they’ve not done that yet, but I remain optimistic.
The United Nations is now a proscribed terrorist organisation, all criticism of Israel has been banned, and in unrelated news, several government ministers have really nice holiday homes. Mossad has clarified that just because its spies were arrested for blackmailing officials in Italy, does not mean they would behave like this in the UK. Blackmail is unnecessary here because our officials are much more open to bribes.
You will be pleased to know British police are taking their role as enforcers of the Israeli state so seriously that they’ve arrested a Jewish Israeli academic because he explained Israel is fighting an unwinnable war. Professor Haim Bresheeth pointed out that British police have been arresting people for opposing genocide, leaving police with no choice but to arrest him under the Terrorism Act. I literally can’t tell the difference between this professor and ISIS.
Metropolitan police explained they actually arrested Prof Bresheeth for “expressing support for a proscribed terrorist organisation”. Awkwardly, a recording of his speech shows he said no such thing, but anyone who shares the footage online risks being visited by a Hermes drone. Be warned, Mossad has your IP address as part of Twitter’s terms and conditions and those drones don’t have to come far because they are made in Leicestershire
Brave IDF soldier explains he had no choice but to shoot terrifying toddler
What would you do in that sort of danger?
By Laura and Normal Island News | October 21, 2024
Alarming footage has emerged of an orphaned Palestinian girl, about seven years old, carrying her injured sister over her shoulder for two kilometres. The barefoot girl was trying to get her sister to one of the Hamas strongholds that are sometimes referred to as “hospitals”.
Worryingly, the girls were escorted to the nearest hospital, however, there is a reasonable chance Israel will bomb it again. It’s one of the great failures of this conflict that some hospitals in Gaza have not been fully destroyed. It leaves open the risk that injured toddlers could get their bullet wounds treated and grow up to throw stones at tanks.
An IDF spokesperson confirmed one of Israel’s brave soldiers shot the toddler in self-defence after fearing for his life. He kindly explained that none of this would be happening if the girls had simply released the hostages. If anyone kicks up a fuss online, simply type “RELEASE THE HOSTAGES” to show you have the moral high ground. If this doesn’t work, politely explain there are no innocents in Gaza.
Clearly, these children don’t have the resilience of the IDF soldiers who are taken off the battlefield by bee stings, or the US college students who feel unsafe whenever someone suggests genocide is wrong. If those girls spent a day in the shoes of a Zionist college student, they would know what fear is like.
Everyone knows Palestinians are cowardly by nature because they hide from Israel’s bombs and say things like “Please stop killing us”. Disturbingly, some genocide objectors get traction on social media, leaving Israel with no choice but to assassinate them. Thank god Musk and Zuckerberg always hand over that location data.
Israel has every right to target civilians, as Matthew Miller has made perfectly clear. However, Israel doesn’t kill every civilian and this proves this can’t be genocide.
In a generous act of mercy, Israel has decided to let some of the people in Jabalia refugee camp live because exterminating them was proving controversial.
After cutting off food and water for weeks, demolishing buildings with families inside, leading blindfolded men towards mass graves, and sniping children in the leg then blowing them up with their rescuers, Israel had attracted a baffling amount of criticism.
I’m told there were so many casualties that hospitals were running out of shrouds for the dead, therefore, Israel gave Palestinians the option of being ethnically cleansed instead of exterminated.
Israel sensibly decided that any civilian unwilling or unable to evacuate is fair game. It attacked those who followed evacuation orders too, but this is fine because it allowed them to evacuate. What Israel did when they evacuated is an entirely separate matter. I’m sure it will be fine when they explain this at the International Criminal Court.
The real victim of genocide is the man who crushed people with bulldozers
Thank you to CNN for explaining
Laura and Normal Island News | October 22, 2024
The genocide in Gaza has posed a moral dilemma for people like myself: the sensibles. As Israel carpet-bombed Gaza into oblivion, our problem was how the hell do we convince the public to support this bloodshed? Well, all I can say is thank god for CNN!
For the benefit of those who think Normal Island News is the only news outlet in existence (an easy mistake), let me explain CNN is considered one of the more sensible American news outlets because it’s not Fox News. Therefore, CNN was the perfect platform to divert your sympathies towards the only people who matter: Zionists.
CNN published one of the most moving pieces of journalism I’ve ever read, a report that will truly echo through the ages. It told the harrowing story of a brave Israeli soldier whose job it was to… crush Palestinians to death with a bulldozer. Heartbreakingly, crushing people to death later made the soldier feel sad. This proves he is the real victim of the genocide. What do you mean, I’m “doing the meme”?
While Eliran Mizrahi was on active duty, he always maintained a brave face, which included smiling on camera as he drove a gigantic child crusher. He explained he destroyed more than 5,000 homes and ran people over in their hundreds, whether they were dead or alive, but it was okay because “there are no civilians in Gaza”. He sensitively referred to the “terrorists” he crushed to death as “meat” and later told the Israeli knesset “everything squirts out”.
Mizrahi appeared in videos on social media, gloating about his war crimes, but his family would like you to know it’s unfair to talk about the incriminating evidence. It was clearly the fault of Iranian troll farms that Mizrahi posted this stuff to TikTok for clicks.
Do-gooders might argue Mizrahi was insensitive and the best approach is to pretend to care about Palestinians. Thankfully, Mizrahi softened his approach and claimed he was nice to the civilians he previously said don’t exist. He even claimed he shared food and water with them because he’s that nice. He explained he did everything he could to minimise civilians. I, for one, totally believe this story.
Ironically, referring to Palestinian civilians as “meat” must have had an impact on Mizrahi, because he later found it hard to eat meat and became a vegetarian. A starving toddler drinking from puddles in Jabalia has no idea of his torment. This is why it’s so important we show you real suffering.
We in the mainstream media don’t bother to name Palestinian victims of bombs that mysteriously fall from the sky, but we will fucking well give you the life story of any IDF soldier who feels self-pity.
Israeli soldiers are feeling so confused, some of them don’t want to be drafted for a second round of genocide. That little orphan girl who carried her injured sister for two kilometres cannot comprehend what the poor things are dealing with.
Mizrahi heartbreakingly explained only the soldiers with him in Gaza could understand what he was going through. Not the largest cohort of child amputees in human history. Not the fathers who watched their wives and children be melted in their hospital beds. Not the civilians without food, water or medicine. There are no cvilians in Gaza, remember, just meat…
No wonder this war is taking a toll on Israeli society. Israelis have been so impacted by genocide that a whopping 6% think it should stop due to “the great cost in human life.”
Poor Zionists are cowering in their warm beds in their intact houses, worried the world might be upset with them for destroying an entire country and planning to colonise it. Not even the iron dome can protect them from this level of pain.
It is at this point I must bring you to the most agonising part of this story, so please take a moment to brace yourself…
Haunted by the screams of children from the rubble of the buildings he bulldozed, Mizrahi tragically took his life. I understand he’d posted so much evidence of his war crimes on TikTok that an ICC arrest warrant was inevitable.
I’m sure you will agree this one life is worth so much more than the 42,000 Palestinians Israel has blown up and the countless more they’ve indirectly exterminated.
What makes us westerners better than Middle Eastern savages is that we respect the human lives that matter. As Sir Keir Starmer so eloquently explained, it’s wrong to mourn men like Sinwar because they kill civilians, but it’s right to mourn men like Mizrahi because they kill civilians.
We should now spend weeks focusing on this tragedy and overlook that Israel has started doing the same shit in Lebanon that it’s done in Gaza. We must, as a matter of urgency, address PTSD in the genocidal military, and we must remember that Palestinians are not entitled to PTSD. Thankfully, an IDF psychologist is on the case.
The psychologist explained he tries to “normalise” genocide by reminding Israeli soldiers about October 7th and telling them to “remember their values”. This way they feel less guilty about turning civilians into tomato puree. As you can see, Israel is learning all the right lessons here. No wonder they’ve already started doing this all over again in Lebanon.
Everyone who opposes genocide is bad
But journalists who oppose genocide are the worst
Laura and Normal Island News | October 18, 2024
It has been brought to my attention that British counter-terrorism police visited the home of a man under suspicion of practising journalism. Disgustingly, the man had been raising awareness of Israel’s genocide, and therefore had to be dealt with. The man, who I am reluctant to name out of fear of making him a martyr, is called Asa Winstanley. He is one of the most prominent figures in the worrying wave of radicals who believe genocide is wrong, even when Israel does it.
Thankfully, counter-terrorism police found an excuse to harass Winstanley, even though they had no evidence of terrorism. The thing about counter-terrorism police is they’re supposed to go after terrorists, and no one thinks Winstanley is a terrorist.
Police therefore told Winstanley he is not under arrest, but they’re confiscating his devices on the off-chance they can find evidence. This would be like regular police saying we have no evidence you’re a paedo, but we’re snooping through your hard drive anyway!
Would you feel comfortable being accused of a horrible crime without evidence? If you’ve done nothing wrong, you should be perfectly happy with this grotesque violation of your privacy!
Natural justice is when police harass people they don’t like until they find an excuse to jail them. I’m just praying police find something incriminating on Winstanley’s hard drive, such as the image of a Palestinian flag. If they find one of those, they should bloody well throw the book at him.
Sadly, there is every chance police don’t find anything on the innocent man, but they will probably keep his devices anyway. If they do, he will be out of pocket when he replaces them, and in the meantime, he won’t be able to work. The scumbag won’t be able to raise awareness of the plight of the Palestinians who are being mangled by the weapons we’re supplying.
It’s hoped this sort of intimidation will make others think twice about doing the right thing. If the public fully understood the role our rulers are playing in genocide, they would demand their prosecutions. Therefore, the only thing we can do is prosecute those who attempt to tell the truth. I’m sure you will agree this is sensible. However, if you disagree because you too object to genocide, it’s not too late to change your mind.
Simply copy and paste the following words to social media and the judge is likely to give you a reduced sentence:
I would like to apologise for my attempts to stop Israel’s genocide over the past year. I realise now that I was wrong. I only hope my words have not caused distress to the people who are committing genocide or the people who are supporting genocide. I would like to apologise unreservedly to those people and to anyone whose minds I may have polluted with dangerous ideas like “human rights” and “international law”. I only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Now that my thoughts have been corrected, I would kindly ask that police go gentle on me and the courts show lenience. I will never attempt to do journalism again.
Can I just be the first to say fuck journalism? I don’t mean the brilliant corporate journalism that I do, I’m talking about real journalism. Real journalism can go and fuck itself! Anyways, copy and paste the above words and police are likely to cut your beating by thirty minutes and the judge should reduce your sentence to five years. Let’s be honest you deserve so much worse, you fucking do-gooder.
Government responds to al-Aqsa hospital attack by sanctioning… Iran
Who else would we sanction?
By Laura and Normal Island News | October 15, 2024
So I’ve just had an emergency meeting with the BBC and Sir Keir Starmer’s team at Downing Street to coordinate our response to the Israeli attack on Al-Aqsa hospital that was so shocking, it has been described as the defining moment of Joe Biden’s presidency.
After carefully reviewing footage of hospital patients on IVs being melted in their tents, we’ve come to the conclusion… it’s totally fine.
Totally. Fucking. Fine.
It’s so fine, in fact, that Starmer wheeled out Emily Thornberry to do the TV rounds and remind everyone that war crimes have been committed by “both sides”, those sides being Iran and Hezbollah. Thornberry didn’t even name Israel, confusingly implying Iran and Hezbollah are at war with each other.
Apparently, Israel is just an innocent victim cowering in the middle, wondering why the other sides won’t stop doing genocide. Poor Israel.
David Lammy was so upset by the situation, he quickly imposed sanctions on Iran, and I’m unclear if this means he’s siding with Hezbollah now. I’ve no idea what our story is because I was scrolling through Instagram during our meeting, so fuck it, I’ll just make something up and hope you’re too stupid to notice the inconsistencies. Let’s be honest, you normally are…
Yesterday, the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps launched rockets at people who were in hospital beds in tents because Iran had already bombed the hospital in self-defence, and the remains of the hospital didn’t have enough room for the injured…
Hang on, I’m being told bombing hospitals doesn’t count as “self-defence” when Iran does it so this must have been a brutal act of aggression.
Horrifyingly, we saw figures writhing in the flames as innocent civilians on life support machines were burned alive. Those people had already been bombed once, only to be taken to the least safe place in Gaza – the hospital – to be bombed again.
A young boy screamed helplessly from the side-lines as he watched his father being incinerated. If that boy expresses anger when he grows up, we will probably call him a terrorist, but today, we’re feigning sympathy because we’re nice.
A powerful image was captured when a 19-year-old reached his hand out of the flames in desperation as his life left his body. This moment tore out the heart of everyone who witnessed it, apart from the people in government who just shrugged.
The young man was called Sha’ban. You will be surprised to hear Sha’ban was a human being with hopes and dreams just like you. He was a handsome young man with a gentle face that didn’t resemble the stereotype of the snarling Palestinian savage who deserves everything they get. He was a kind and intelligent boy whose mother was extremely proud of him, and she was burnt alive at his side for the Greater Israel project. We might have spent the last year convincing you Palestinians can’t feel human emotion, or even pain, but that might have been a lie.
Thankfully, you’re allowed to care about Palestinians being brutally killed today because I’m pretending Iran sent the rocket, and everything Iran does is bad. This massacre couldn’t possibly have been done by Israel because everything Israel does is good, and not even I, with all my powers of propaganda, could pretend this massacre was a good thing.
Unfortunately, I’ve still got half of this report to get through, and I’ve no idea how to handle this, so let me just light a cigarette… Alright, I’ve gathered myself. Let’s race through this thing and then maybe I’ll take up drugs.
Prime Minister Netanyahu has sensibly threatened the Secretary-General of the United Nations, explaining he will hold him personally accountable if he does not remove all UNIFIL troops from Lebanon. This is despite the Secretary-General being powerless to act because it would be a decision for the UN Security Council.
You will be outraged to hear UNIFIL troops keep getting in the way of the IDF’s bullets, bombs, and chemical weapons, something the IDF would never want to happen. The stupid fucking peacekeepers even managed to inhale Israel’s white phosphorus.
Even worse, the UNIFIL presence at the border is stopping Netanyahu from turning southern Lebanon into Gaza part two. The IDF has therefore raided several UINIFIL bases and destroyed one of them because we’re pretending Hezbollah was using those bases, just like Hamas was hiding under hospitals in Gaza. It doesn’t matter if it’s not true, the point is Netanyahu is ready to declare war on UNIFIL. Declaring war on the United Nations is the type of thing a totally normal nation would do.
Please understand Israel can do whatever it wants because it’s a nation in mourning after four of its children were slaughtered by Hezbollah while planning a nice day out with their assault rifles. Those children might have been grown adults who’d spent the last year committing war crimes, but we consider them more precious than middle-aged brown woman, Hind Rajab.
Personally, I find it so much easier to empathise with Israelis because their skin tone is slightly closer to mine. Even my nemesis at Sky, Kay Burley, appears to feel the same and we hate each other. This explains why Kay couldn’t hide her pain as she reported a drone attack took the lives of Israel’s child soldiers, shortly after the IDF had carpet-bombed civilians in Beirut. No matter our politics in the mainstream media, we’re in agreement that Israelis are the real victims here
Israel hopes to put American on death row for doing journalism
He must be punished for telling the truth about Israel
Laura and Normal Island News | October 11, 2024
This is going to come as upsetting news, but I must inform you a number of terrorists have been attempting to do journalism in Israel. This has prompted fears the truth might reach the public and they might be informed about what is really going on. I know, it doesn’t bear thinking about…
Following the recent rocket attack by Iran that was the most terrifying thing in history, but also embarrassingly pathetic and a massive failure, Israel sensibly decided no one is allowed to report the truth. Unfortunately, several individuals decided it was their right to pollute your mind with facts and evidence.
The officially authorised version of events is that almost all of those Iranian rockets were intercepted by the iron dome, the ones that exploded did no damage, and Iran embarrassed itself by even trying to attack Israel, but it’s also such a massive threat that it must be nuked out of existence. Only an idiot would see a contradiction here.
Sadly, several so-called journalists decided to visit the sites of the rocket impacts and show you what really happened. These people had the audacity to tell you to believe your own eyes and ears, instead of letting smart people like myself program your brain.
Jeremy Loffredo and his terrorist friends found an unexploded rocket near Mossad HQ and showed it just sitting on the road. Disgustingly, Loffredo pointed out Mossad embedded its HQ among civilian infrastructure as though this is somehow relevant. Just imagine if a rocket landed near MI5 HQ and journalists decided you had a right to know. Obviously, we would have to bring back the death penalty for journalists like that.
Somehow, Loffredo managed to make things even worse. He mentioned that Mossad HQ is located near a hospital, implying any potential victims could be considered human shields. What kind of monster would use language like this? Does Loffredo not know Israelis are human beings?
Thankfully, Loffredo and his accomplices were caught by the IDF, and naturally, they were beaten up and blindfolded before being taken to a military base. How else would the Middle East’s only democracy arrest someone? While most of the terrorists have inexplicably been released without charge, Loffredo is thankfully being detained. I understand there is a campaign in Israel to send him to that rapey place in the Negev desert.
The country that has murdered 128 journalists in the past year demonstrated it’s better than all those Arab countries by charging a man with journalism, leaving him facing a life sentence, or even the death penalty, for the crime of reporting the truth.
Loffredo’s reporting was mirrored by outlets like PBS, however, only Loffredo is getting punished because we don’t like the Grayzone, and finally, we have an excuse to execute its journalists. I yearn for the day we can do this in the west. Until we’ve taken care of Declassified UK, we can’t sensibly call ourselves a democracy, can we?
Personally, I don’t understand why any journalist would feel uncomfortable repeating Israel’s authorised version of events. It’s so much better for your career to gloss over the build up to World War III and the possible extinction of the human race. All you have to say is “Yup, that school was definitely exploded by a stray Hamas rocket” or “Sure, Israel sniped that toddler, but it has a right to defend itself”. You see how easy that was? Anyone who can’t lie for Israel gets no sympathy from me.
If Israel doesn’t want people to know that rockets are reaching Tel Aviv, it’s because that information is not in the public interest. You’re not allowed to know the truth about Israel because the truth would make Israel look bad.
I’m sure you will agree that journalists who don’t comply with Israeli censorship demands should be jailed for the rest of their lives, or even sent to death row. Jeremy Loffredo must be punished in the strongest way possible for telling the truth about Israel. It’s time to make an example of him so no one ever makes this mistake again.
If you’re American, do not under any circumstances call the US embassy in Israel on +011-972-2-630-4000 or email them at JersusalemACS@state.gov to demand Loffredo’s release because this would make you a decent person who cares about journalistic freedom and human rights and we don’t do those things anymore, do we?


